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There is no cast, there is no bandage, and there is no icon to convey the pain of mental anguish.

Instead, I was always drawn to the dead of night, to a man all alone in a garden, physically whole, but wounded inside – Jesus at Gethsemane.

Kneeling, pleading, despairing and doubting – struggling to hold onto hope in the face of destruction – filled with fear and dread as he prayed “may this cup be taken from me.” Those emotions – that woe felt in the dark of night – I know that all too well.

Physically, I have never endured much more than a stubbed toe or a cut from a piece of glass – so how could I comprehend the pain endured at the crucifixion?

No, I never could wrap my head around that Jesus – stark naked in the bright light of day, suffering.

” It is hard, extremely hard to understand why you go through what you go through. There are times you think, “Why would God allow this? But then I look to Jesus at Gethsemane – that man dwelling not only in the darkness of night, but the darkness of doubt and dread.

That man who sought a way out, some other way, other way and pleaded with his Father in heaven…

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In addition to feeling like a slave to fear and dread, in addition to feeling trapped inside a mind that continues to let you down, these symptoms eat away at you.

For these disorders are not only emotional and mental, they are physical – and while I may never have broken an arm or been nailed to a cross, I have endured physical pain as a result of mental and emotional distress.

And they create a life that feels so much more like hell on earth.