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Imagine if you had to get your bum-hole stripped every 30 days — lest the mean girls at school corner you on the bus home and go, "I've heard you're like Catweazle down there.

You've noted that while society's happy for a famous man to age, and become distinguished, and generally wander around looking like a fucking wizard, the women generally still seem to be 20 years younger, and standing there on the cover of magazines, all like, "Oh! You've watched the whole Caitlyn Jenner trans thing unfold and gone, "You know what — this all seems fair enough. You like women being equal to men — which is all that feminism means. Because I am a chronic over-sharer, and incapable of keeping secrets. They both have that slight implication of, "I'm now going to launch into a speech that's basically about what a great person I am". " — until they feel as normal as saying "pina colada", or "Michael Fassbender". You are unlikely to get custody of your kids, and are three times more likely to commit suicide. Men, imagine if, some time around your 12th birthday, some manner of viscous liquid — let's say gravy — suddenly appeared in your pants, in the middle of a maths lesson. It's one of the defining aspects of being a woman.4.

You know babies come out of vaginas and it fucking stings, and that the vaginas are having a hard time anyway, what with all the waxing they get. You've called Donald Trump "a twat" for his sexist comments about a female news anchor being on her period. It's the 21st century and you are, most assuredly, not a dick. So, what I am going to do, instead, is tell you 12 things about women that women are usually too embarrassed to tell you themselves. It's the same as when you say the word "environment". Because remember that patriarchy's bumming you as hard as it's bumming us. You, meanwhile, are unable to talk about your feelings lest you get punched in the nuts by "a lad" telling you not to be "a bender". Being a woman doesn't make "being a woman" any easier. It's like having an exploding, insane blood-bag of pain up in your business end — nothing really prepares you for when it all kicks off. The next, you're suddenly having to wedge a tiny Barbie mattress in your knickers, crying while you watch , and eating Nurofen Plus like they're Tic Tacs. Have you ever tried to scrub blood out of a Premier Inn sheet at 6am, using just travel shampoo and your toothbrush?

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